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The Nothing Club/Transcript
episode begins with the camera zooming in at the camp. The camera then cuts to the dock at the lake, with some sailboats on the beach. One boat has "We Love Lumpus" on its sail. Lumpus: "Well Slinkman, are the boats built to my specifications?" Edward: "All built from your directions, sir!" Lumpus: "What is this duck-billed polliwog saying?" Slinkman: "He's a platypus sir, and he just earned this Leadership Badge for leading the boat builders in- interrupts him Lumpus: "Eh, goody-good, here you go." the badge on Edward's face Edward: the badge off his face "Thank you, sir. I will wear it proudly and I will- interrupts him Lumpus: "Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever. Now let's see how these young boat builders did. inspects the boats Yes, followed my plans perfectly. Seems seaworthy enough, the sailors do. Alright. sees a "boat" made of bricks Oh, wait a minute! What the heck is that?" Slinkman: "Uhhhh..." Lumpus: "Is that a boat made of brick and concrete?" Slinkman: "Appears to be, sir." Lumpus: Heh-heh, and who built that wonder of science?" Slinkman: "Lazlo and Jelly Cabin, sir." Lumpus: "Jelly Cabin? then Edward, then Slinkman laugh Have the Coast Guard standing by!" Slinkman: "Nautical humor." Lumpus: yawns "This should be good. a megaphone Sailors in launch positions! On your mark, get set, launch!" the scouts, except Jelly Cabin, launch their boats into the lake, and the boats sink. The camera cuts to Jelly Cabin's boat. Lazlo: "Captain to engine room, are you ready?" Clem: "Ready!" Lazlo: "Thrillseeker?" Raj: "Ready!" Lazlo: "Warp speed!" Clem: "Warp speed!" turns on a fan and the boat rockets across the lake with Raj waterskiing Raj: "I am seeking thrillness!" Lumpus: "I don't believe what I'm seeing. That does it! Because of Lazlo, you all flunk!" Ping Pong and Samson: "Flunk?" Lumpus: "And no badges today! Let go you polliwog! to grab the badge away from Edward Slinkman, get out my Lazlo punching bag!" Slinkman: Yes, sir. Edward: angry "Laz! Lo! scene changes to Lazlo walking through the camp. Lazlo walks up to Edward and Samson, who are having a conversation. Lazlo: Good morning, Edward! Good morning, Samson! gets angry and him and Samson walk off OK, see ya!" continues walking and walks up to the Lemmings Hi, Leonard! Hi, Larry! Hi, Louie!" run off; Chip and Skip run up to Lazlo Chip and Skip: "Uh..." Lazlo: "Hi, guys!" run off, with Skip tripping and falling; Lazlo continues walking and comes across Edward and Ping Pong Hi, Ping! Hi, Edward! Whatcha talking about?" Edward: angrily "Nothing!" scene changes to Jelly Cabin. Lazlo: Everyone, periscopes down! Raj: "Periscopes down!" Lazlo: "Radar contact off the starboard bow!" Clem: the bed, pushing a flashlight forward "Kasploosh!" Lazlo: Uh-oh, torpedo at nine o'clock! Raj: panicking Lazlo: some music "What's that?" Raj: "Music?" Clem: "Disco!" Lazlo: to the doorway "It's coming from that treehouse." Raj: "Treehouse?" cuts to a treehouse with lights coming out of it Clem: "Where?" Raj: "I've never noticed that before." Raj and Clem run up to the treehouse Lazlo: "Hello? music stops Looks like we're too late for whatever's up there. walk off screen and the music and lights start again; they run back and the treehouse goes silent and dark; they turn around and take a step and the treehouse comes back to life, they turn around and the treehouse is silent again Well, it looks like whatever is up there is over." Raj: "Why weren't we invited to whatever is up there?" Clem: "Not on the list, whatever's up there." Lazlo: Maybe it's exclusive, whatever's up there." Raj: But who would make an exclusive-whatever at Camp Kidney?" Lazlo: "Aw, who cares! We don't need a club, we got each other!" walk off screen; the camera cuts to the treehouse with Edward peering out the window and laughing scene changes to the camp showers with Raj and Clem inside. Edward is waiting outside. Raj:: "I like to get squeaky clean, like a squeaky duck!" Clem: "Squeaky duck!" are singing in the showers when Edward walks in Edward: "Hope we didn't keep you boys up last night, ya know, with all our wild disco music. Yep, with our new club we got pretty crazy. What with that all-you-can-drink soda fountain we've installed, you know how it is. It's kinda funny really, we only had that one record to play. We sure could use a good DJ." Raj: an idea "DJ?" Edward: "Yep. A club DJ would be very popular." is shown DJing at a club with everyone dancing and Amber looking at him Edward: Oh, and another thing we don't have is a professional bathroom attendant. gets an idea I hear they're all the rage in the treehouses on Park Avenue." is shown doing his job in a bathroom Clem: sighs Edward: Yep, you guys would be perfect for our club, as long you don't tell Lazlo." out of the shower and Clem gasp Raj: "I wouldn't join a club without Lazlo." Clem: No, me neither." scene cuts to Jelly Cabin. Lazlo is still in bed and just waking up. He yawns and wakes up and sees that Raj's and Clem's beds are empty. He walks outside and around the camp looking for Raj and Clem. Lazlo: the bathroom "Anyone? Hello?" hears Raj Raj: "Good morning fellow club members! scratch noises Time to party again with Raj's Monster Morning Mix! Lazlo: to the treehouse "Raj? Clem?" Edward: at the window "Why don't you go to your own club? Oh yeah, that's right, you don't have a club, do you, Lazlo! You've got nothing! The Nothing Club! That's your club!" the window shut Lazlo: "The Nothing Club? That's my club. Nothing. sadly draws a square in the dirt and steps inside the square "Well here I am, in the Nothing Club. an idea Not bad! Here's the couch and the juice bar. The rec room is down the hall next to the pool. Fire exits are clearly marked. Hmm, I think I'll move the "vending machines" the vending machines next to the kitchen. the "roof" leaks Was that a drop I felt? I'll have to re-tar the roof before I lay down the new carpet. Uh-oh! Looks like I wandered into the Hall of Mirrors again. Now why on earth did I have this silly thing installed? It'll take me hours to find my way out. into a "mirror" Ha! It fooled me! It was a mirror! Ha ha! Wrong! Ha! Left turn! Oh ha ha ha! That's me!" walking around Edward: "Settle down members, settle down. Now that we've gotten all the fun and games out of our systems, it's time for us to come down to the real reason we're here, to talk about how much we despise Lazlo. up menacingly Welcome to the Anti-Lazlo Club!" cuts back to the Nothing Club Lazlo: "There you go, that's a good boy." Nina: up to the club "Lazlo, what are you doing?" Lazlo: "Oh, hi, Nina! I was just feeding our mascot. Our club has a dinosaur for a mascot. It was a gift from the emperor of France." Nina: "What club?" Lazlo: "The Nothing Club." Nina: "What is the Nothing Club?" Lazlo: "It's a club that we make up together." Nina: "Together? That's pretty cool." Lazlo: "Yeah! Wanna join?" Nina: "Sure." Lazlo: "The door's open, but watch your head." Nina: the "doorway" "No need, I raised the doorway." Lazlo: "Then I lowered it again!" Nina: "Then I guess I bumped my head." and Lazlo laugh cuts back to Edward's club Edward: "OK, because we all hate Lazlo, I'm looking for bad and deplorable stories about him. Anyone?" Ping: "Hate Lazlo?" the other scouts are whispering amongst themselves for ideas Raj: "I'm not feeling good about this." Edward: "Well, no one? raises his hand Yes Samson?" Samson: "May I go to the bathroom?" Edward: "No! Alright, I'll start you off. Lazlo..." Ping Pong: "Lazlo gave me his own dessert." Edward: "And that was bad, why?" Ping Pong: "It wasn't my favorite flavor." Edward: "A-ha, now we're getting somewhere!" Ping Pong: "But it's my favorite flavor now." slaps his face in frustration Edward: "Chip, do you have anything?" Chip: Lazlo fixed my red bicycle for me." Edward: "Oh, oh, and wasn't that the very same bicycle that that got smashed to pieces two weeks later?" Chip: "Yeah. You smashed it." Larry: "Lazlo carried me 7 miles when I broke my leg." Leonard: "Yeah, and he carried me 7 miles when I broke his leg." Larry: "Lazlo taught me how to laugh again." Edward: "ENOUGH ALREADY! Raj and Clem standing at the window Hey, what are you two doing by the window?" Raj: "It's Lazlo! He's got a pretty good club going on down there." Edward: "A club? What club? out to see Lazlo and Nina dancing That's not a club, that's nothing!" Raj: "Don't you hear the great music?" Skip: "Oh yeah, I hear it now. I love this song." Edward: "Are you crazy? That's no- hey it that your brother down there?" Skip: "Wooo, Chip! Boogie down! Boogie woogie!" Edward: "Hey, where's that guinea pig?" Samson: "Do I have to be a member to use the bathroom?" Lazlo: "Restrooms are open to the public! Door is open around the other side!" runs around to the other side and goes in Lazlo: "Well Samson, what do you think of the Nothing Club?" Samson: " I don't know, uh, nothing?" Lazlo, Nina and Chip: "Yay!" Edward: while the Lemmings are climbing down the tree Hey, where are you guys going? Stop! Can't you see, he's got no doors, no walls! My club has the best of everything! Lazlo has nothing! I'VE GOT COLD SODA! Lazlo: "Excellent, Ping Pong, I see you found the club's rocket ship. Samson What are you doing Samson?" Samson: the "toilet" "The toilet's all clogged up again!" Lazlo: Raj and Clem outside the club "Hey, Raj, hey Clem! Raj: "Hehe, hello, Lazlo. Clem: "Yeah, hello." Raj: "Uh, this is... a little awkward." Clem: "Awkward." Lazlo: Well just don't sit there, come on in! The front door is- Raj: Yes we know, it's around the other side." everyone is having a good time in Lazlo's club, Edward remains frustrated Edward: "I don't get it, I just don't get it. his head several times, shaking the treehouse Lazlo, Lazlo, Lazlo, LAZLO! What am I going to do with all this anti-Lazlo merchandise? sulks in various places around the camp. He goes to the bathroom and walks out and looks at Lazlo's now-popular club. Lazlo sees him and invites him to come in. Lazlo: "Hey Edward, over here! Come on in!" Edward: "Come on in where?" Lazlo: "Don't bother with the doorbell, we couldn't hear it anyway! The music's too loud! Edward: "There is no music!" Lazlo: "Door's that way!" Edward: "There is no door. I don't see anything! I don't hear anything! walks up to the club, opens the "door", and hears music Wait a minute, I hear it! I hear it! I HEAR IT! Lumpus: Edward "Hold it, you're the mutated beaver who organized the boat-building, aren't you? Well beaver, you just turn right around and march on back to the beach, and salvage all of those boats from the bottom of the lake and build them all again! NOW!" Lazlo: "Hey Edward, where are you going? Edward, I wanted to thank you for this club! Thanks for NOTHING!" Category:Episode Transcripts